Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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