you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
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i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
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Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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