and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
