I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
