Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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