im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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