So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
