Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
