you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Terrible idea I love it
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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