so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
