this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize