I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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