Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
