when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
