Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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