It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
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It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
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I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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