I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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