So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
