I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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