I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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