I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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