and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
