Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
