yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm going to jail i love you
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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