Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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