You just made me feel so damn special
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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