You just made me feel so damn special
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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