Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
