i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
