if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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