you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
