That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
