Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
