I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
