I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
