Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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