my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
How does one acquire holy water?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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