And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
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he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
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You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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