he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
