if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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