Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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