last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You need a sexual gate keeper
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
