apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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