so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
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but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
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so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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