I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
