I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
