Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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