I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
false alarm, still single
Randomize
