A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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