im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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