i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
