Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
