remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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