I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
