Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
