Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
