if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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