Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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