I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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