Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
