My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
