Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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